The issue of the sanctity of marriage is a controversial issue in this society. It is not only for that reason, though, that it is of interest to me. God hates divorce, something he states in Malachi, and a point that can be gathered from other places in the Bible, and yet over half of all marriages end in divorce, a fact that ought to cause our society a lot of grief and shame. Divorce is no less common among those of us in God's church, those of us who should know better. As the child of divorced parents, the issue of divorce is one of great importance to me.
Until 1974, about seven years before I was born, divorce was not allowed in the Worldwide Church of God for any reason. The policy was changed because Herbert W. Armstrong (then the head of WCG) was interested in marrying a much younger divorcee named Ramona. Miraculously, he saw the truth that there were some circumstances in which divorce and unbinding were allowed, namely for fraud or pornea (defined as adultery, fornication unknown at time of marriage, or other sexual deviancy). (It should be noted here that under the biblical standards of divorce a relatively high degree of fault must be proven, and those who are deemed "at fault" in a marriage are bound from marrying again until their spouses die. Therefore if both spouses are at fault in a marriage, neither is free to remarry if they separate. This is important in the case of my own parents.)
The end result of this policy change was that divorce and remarriage were very common and very easy for those people who were well connected in the power structure of WCG. As a pastor in UCG once said to my family, people were "divorcing and remarrying like flies." For those whose divorces were contested (This was the case in my family--my father did not wish for the divorce and considers the marriage to have been a valid one, despite what he considered to be fraudulent promises, my mother on the other hand claimed abuse and claimed that she herself was not converted, and hence the marriage was invalid ab initio. It is difficult for me to sort out exactly what this meant in practice as it regarded my brother and I), it could take much longer. For example, my parents separated when I was three, divorced when I was eight and a half, and were "unbound" by the church for the last time only when I was thirteen.
Divorce causes a lot of suffering to families, something I plan on discussing in greater detail later on, time permitting. In my own family, the consequences of divorce were quite immense. Traveling in vacations betwen my folks certainly reimforced whatever nomadic tendancies I was born with, and certainly made it hard to figure out where exactly I belonged and where was home (issues, unsurprisingly, I still struggle with). My brother to this day considers marriage useless, since he is unable to separate the actions of two very flawed individuals from what is a very glorious and wonderful and divinely ordained institution.
Parents have all sorts of pleasant fictions (or, less politely, lies) they use to justify divorce to themselves. They reason that a happy divorce is better than an unhappy marriage, though there is no such thing as a happy divorce, and studies have indicated that children of divorces are vastly worse off than those children from unhappy marriages when it comes to dealing with social issues and becoming a happy and well-functioning often. In fact, studies indicate that over half of children of divorced families suffer from such problems, while only two percent of children from happy marriages suffer likewise, and only about a third of children from unhappy marriages. Divorce may be more pleasant for parents, but not for the children.
My own parents have their own stories, and no doubt both did the best they could (though that is a rather frightening thought, if less frightening than the alternative). What I learned from the breakup of my parents is that discovering what is true is often a very unpleasant task (shades of an earlier post, I know). Both my father and mother have stories about their marriage and breakup, and both stories are incompatible. Each makes claims about the behavior of the other that the other strenuously denies--about attempts to sabatoge the marriage by brining in the ministry, about spousal and child abuse (based on an oblique comment my father made about his defense of a Living Church of God member in North Carolina who was falsely accused about child abuse when he commented that my mother did the same to him, and based on my mother's frequent references to "black rages" and a broken jaw), about adultery, and so on. Quite frankly, I do not know if the truth will ever be known in this lifetime, or even if I want to know the truth about either of my parents. The words, even in passing, of divorced parents about the other are like poison that seeps into the very being, destroying the moral authority that parents are supposed to have in their household. Indeed, divorced parents, by virtue of their selfish actions, surrender what moral claims to authority they may possess, and bring all authority figures into shame and disrepute by pointing to the fundamental inability of human beings to govern others (or even themselves) effectively. If one cannot trust those who gave you life, it's not going to be easy to trust anyone else either, who has less reason to behave well and look out for your best interests. You have to look out for yourself--no one will do it for you.
As was widely pointed out in a recent study on divorce (published widely, including in the New York Times), being the child of divorced parents means dealing with secrets. Knowledge is a weapon, and the conduct of parents undergoing a divorce often leaves much to desire. For example, my mother was involved, at least somewhat seriously, with my future stepfather (they married in 1995) when I was a small child, and were at least talking about marriage, as we stayed at his house and were quite frequent visitors at his parents' place, and because I have papers from the first grade where I referred to my last name as Albright-Martin. I do not presume to know what all was involved, but at any rate, married people, even if they are separated, are not supposed to pursue romantic attachments, even if nothing physical was involved. As I said before, I do not wish to know the truth about my parents.
The study also pointed out that while children whose parents are married are the center of attention, children whose parents divorce often spend long moments alone (this was the case for me, I know). This is the case because while a loving marriage has a husband and a wife focusing their attention building a future together as well as a future for the next generation, divorce allows people to focus on their own lives and their own interests and leaves children (who are torn between the two worlds) to make the difficult task of piecing together a place in incompatible, distant, and sometimes hostile worlds. Often the result is that such children act like the parent they are around at the time, something that does wonders for trying to sort out the mix of our parents that we are in a harmonious way (after all, our parents were unable to do so, but we are forced to to remain sane).
Studies of the effects of divorce are rare, largely because those who support our society's current lax policies on divorce are afraid that knowing the results of divorce on children would cause a change in the law. They are right, but who should our laws be protecting--immature adults or the children who are forced to grow up way too soon in circumstances that are less than pleasant. We owe our obligations to the health of children rather than to the convenience of their childish parents. In a sermon video that I saw a couple of weeks ago at church, Mr. Franks commented how children of divorces are among the "orphans" that James enjoins Christians to take concern for. Amen and amen. Such thoughts are quite saddening, but the truth is often sad and bitter.
This particular entry is quite personal, and probably a lot of people would not be happy to read what I have to say--either about myself, my family, or my church. We must all live with the penalties of sin, even if we did not commit the sin ourselves. I have written this entry three times because the computer has kept on giving me problems (which has given me the chance to organize and phrase my thoughts differently). I am still not satisfied with how it turned out, but I have done the best I can to remain impartial and not be too harsh on anyone, task complicated especially by the fact that only God knows the truth of what happened between my parents, even if the account of it in Pasadena with WCG counsel Mr. Helge supposedly took hundreds of pages. Now, that's an unpleasant thought.
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6 comments:
I agree with much of what you said. Fortunately I did not personally experience divorce while growing up, other than seeing friends experience it. It is a scourge in our society made commonplace by reasons far too numerous to go into here.
"Divorce is no less common among those of us in God's" I don't believe the divorce rate in God's Church is 50% but I understand your point. When you combine the actual divorces with those who are seperated it is still too high.
It is sad that many years later people such as yourself are dealing with the effects of something they had no responsibility for.
Well, as far as actual numbers go, I do not have the statistics for it, but the anecdotal evidence is quite unpleasant. There are plenty of reasons why it is commonplace now, and they are far too much to delve into, but they generally involve worsening standards of conduct, the growing tendency to refuse to moderate the wants of the self for the good of the whole, and a growing intolerance for the bad behavior of others around us.
Once I wanted to sing, for a variety show, the song "I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying," a song by Sting dealing with the recovery of a man whose wife divorced him and left him for someone else, including how he tries to continue the relationship with his children. I was told the song was inappropriate (probably because it dealt with divorce, it was noticeably lacking in inappropriate content or language). One does not hear very much in church about how much God hates divorce, or about the effects of divorce. It is something, rather, that is covered over, and ignored, much like the elephant in the parlor.
Or the giant squid in the Griffins' kitchen.
That works as well, I suppose.
I think it was the 1993 WCG Feast in Daytona Beach, where a woman I knew showed up for the family dance with a pro-divorce button pinned on her outfit.
At a "FAMILY dance!" It was all I could do not to say something to the woman about how inappropriate it was. But how judgmental would I have been -- or at least have been accused of being?
My parents (outside Church of God groups) divorced during my senior year of high school. I missed a half-day of class in the final weeks to testify at the divorce trial. I suppose I learned from that to be careful in selecting the woman I wanted to marry -- but here I am 30 years later, still single.
You would have been write to protest it. It is a shame that you have been unable to find a suitable woman to marry. But it is a serious problem--finding a suitable mate, and in the church, nearly an insoluble one.
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